March 15, 2004Notice of Abandonment
Patent Pending has been abandoned. See MPEP 203.05.
Thanks for all of the laughs, love, and support.
One day we'll remember all this and laugh when we meet in the land beyond.
Or maybe in McHales.
Spread peace and love,
March 12, 2004partners and associates
I'm slowly moving towards a new place called "mid-level associate."
Now, I have always known that partners love to make unnecessary revisions to documents (usually documents that they wrote in the first place) and are incapable of assigning any work unless it's due in an hour. I've also always known that partners do not care about the professional development of associates or the general well-being of associates. I have also always known that partners are incapable of comprehending that you may be *gasp* doing work for other partners and may not be able to do whatever they say exactly when they say it.
But recently, as I've started to assign work to junior associates, I've learned some new things.
First year associates get paid way too much money. You have explain everything to them at least three times. When you give them an assignment, you have to keep calling and asking what is going on. They usually say something like, "Oh, I was going to call you. Did you only want Fed. Cir. cases?" What the fuck? CALL ME and ask questions, don't wait for me to call you to report your complete lack of progress. If they make any progress at all, it's always in the wrong direction because they didn't ask any questions. If you didn't find anything, tell me that. I hate having to chase down these assholes to find out what's going on. They should be chasing ME down.
In conclusion, all attorneys suck.
March 11, 2004Living Well is the Best Revenge
Last night I had a glass of whiskey and re-caulked my shower.
Take that, ex!!
March 10, 2004Workplace Issues
Today I finally decided that Nigella can no longer be my home page.
A partner walked into my office and asked me a question. Of course, it was a ridiculous question that could have been answered in less than 20 seconds using the Internet, a tool that partners are not yet aware of, but I digress. When I offered to look it up on the Web and opened my browser, Nigella greeted us both, and he raised his eyebrows. I told him, "Yeah, you probably should ignore that."
From now on, I will have to visit Nigella during my free time. My home page has been set back to the Legal Information Institute.
But Nigella will be on my mind.
The Salon, Part 2
Most of you will remember my first ever trip to the salon last month. I was enchanted by the perky stylist, the warm scalp massage, and the perfect cut.
Last night I went for the second time.
The stylist wore a shirt that was revealed her midriff. I don't think the shirt was designed to reveal her midriff but it oozed out regardless. Actually, I don't think "midriff" is the right word for the protrusion.
The stylist was running behind schedule so she asked the receptionist guy to wash my hair. THAT was uncomfortable. If I wanted beefy awkward hands touching my scalp, I could have done it myself. The stylist then spent the entire time talking about her wedding plans on Long Island.
The thrill is gone. Next month, I'm going back to Israel the 9 dollar Russian barber.
March 09, 2004The Partnership Track
On Friday, a senior associate gave me an assignment before she left for Hawaii for a week. She wanted me to read two boxes of documents and call our 3 experts on this case to ask them what is on these 11 cds they sent us. She wants it by next Monday, when she returns from Hawaii.
I called the three experts yesterday. They said that they all sent detailed lists of the materials on the cds to her and wondered why she didn't give me those materials. They also said that they sent those materials to her in January and we should have reviewed them already.
They forwarded me the e-mail they sent her on January 29.
Then I started going through the two boxes of documents. They were sent with a letter dated February 9.
To recap, she is giving me a week to review cds which she's had for over a month and asked me to call some guys to obtain information that she already had and didn't give to me. She also wants me to read two boxes by next week that she's had for a month and done nothing with. She gave me an unreasonable deadline and no help at all because she's in Hawaii.
Sounds like partner material to me.
March 08, 2004The 'Hood
I went to see a movie yesterday at the Loews on 68th and B'way. A black gentleman with sever large bags came into the movie late and sat in the middle of the theater, towards the front. People sighed because he blocked the screen.
Then he decided to leave 20 minutes early. He stood up, raised his bags high in the air and blocked the screen for about half the theater. When people started yelling, he said, "Y'all need to just calm down!"
As he was walking out of the theater past me, he muttered, "Fucking white people."
I don't know about you, but if I hated white people I don't think I'd be hanging out at a movie theater on the Upper West Side.
March 06, 2004The Tones
I went to see the Wolfe Tones in concert last night.
The Tones are an Irish band that sings a lot of rebel songs and a few traditional songs. They've been together for 40 years.
I grew up listening to the Wolfe Tones on weekends with my Dad and brothers while we worked on the house. Last night they did a lot of those old songs and I knew all the words. I have for years. I learned a lot of (skewed) Irish history from those songs.
Whenever they come to town, I go to see them with my two brothers. Last night, my cousin and sister-in-law joined us as well. It's a great bonding experience. My dad won't go because they go on too late for him (9pm).
The crowd was filled with young and old, and everyone was in a great mood.
I look at their faces and wonder if they were forced to listen to the Tones while tearing down lath or holding drywall in place.
March 05, 2004Call Me
Who wants to come out with me tonight and help me drink my tax return?
Good: Going to a partner and asking for more work because your workload is light.
Bad: Forgetting that the same partner gave you some ghastly task last week that you totally forgot about.
Really Bad: Having the partner explain to you that you should not ask for more work if you still haven't done the work that same partner gave you last week.
Good: Continuing to ignore said task.
March 04, 2004For Gordon?
Last night I stepped on to the subway into a crowd of college girls. The way they craned their necks to see the stops go by indicated that they were not from my hood. So as the train pulled into my station, and they prepared to get off, I took off my headphones and prepared to give directions in a charming manner.
You know, directions to my apartment.
But then I overheard them saying they were in my neighborhood to see Sting at the Beacon.
I put my headphones back on.
March 03, 2004Big Pimpin in NYC
A few weeks ago, Kevynn won another award. It was no surprise, he's a fantastic writer. He decided to pay the award forward by linking me, which was quite flattering coming from him.
I have neglected my duties of paying it forward until now.
I think Styro writes better when she's angry. I think 'poo has a great way of telling her stories, and I wish she wrote more. But I expect too much. I enjoy Lotus because she's also a NYC attorney. Once CW stops making love to his iPod, his blog will once again be fantastic. I don't understand half of the references made by sceithire, but I feel smart when I get one of them. And I really and truly love that Brian tells everyone the time and duration of his naps.
But, you know- Amy Chop has been on a roll. She always has a random project going on. I think she's currently sending records across the country. She writes poetry, posts about sharks, and posts about piracy in the Midwest.
But most of all, Amy Chop's blog strikes me as a journal of someone who is genuinely enjoying her life. I wish my blog reflected more of that.
So I pay it forward from Kevynn to the Amy Chop.
On an unrelated note, how pissed off would y'all be if I changed the name of my blog?
Bouquet of Flours
Last night I ran into the guy who lives across the hall from me. He's my Kramer. Strangely enough, I only end up running into him about once a month.
Last night we discussed the empty apartment above him. I said, "I really hope it gets rented out to three college girls who are all single and new to the city. Oh, and once in a while they knock on my door in their pajamas to borrow a cup of flour."
My neighbor said, "Dude, you really have flour in your apartment?"
I smiled and replied, "I have four kinds."
March 02, 2004Move It On Over
Occasionally it is necessary to switch cars on the subway while the train is in motion. It's not a big deal to walk to the next car, but it sends a clear signal that you are uncomfortable with the current car.
The most common reasons to switch cars are: no air conditioning in the car you just entered, yelling homeless man, loud teens, or the occasional preacher.
I almost never switch cars. I've developed the ability to ignore almost all of my surroundings.
This morning as the crowd filed into the train, I ended up standing right next to a well-dressed couple in their early twenties. As soon as the doors closed, she said to him "Well, I think we need to talk about this."
I immediately turned and pulled open the door to the next car.
March 01, 2004Soy & Grandchildren
My mom called yesterday. She read an article somewhere that said too much soy will lower your sperm count. She knows that I like soy milk, edamame, and those roasted soybeans they sell in Fairway. She was concerned.
I said, "Mom, you know I'm not seeing anyone right now." She replied, "I know, but I still want grandchildren."
Well, at least somebody has hopes for my sex life.
The life of the IA, comprising:
residing in Manhattan;
deep frying things;
and generally living for your amusement.
Cooking for Losers